Can I be real for just a moment? (I mean I'm always real but whatever). Graduation is closer than near and life has just become a roller coaster. I wish that I could say everything has been smooth sailing like I had planned on it being but its not. I'm learning that, that's just life.
I can honestly say that I never really enjoyed life until I got to college. Just like 67% (I just made this percentage up)of all high school students, I hated it. I don't remember much of my childhood but I know I didn't "enjoy" life. I was merely existing. Doing what I guess I was supposed to be doing. There were a few bumps here and there but life was just life and I was just existing. Nothing super exciting happened. My immediate family was sorta dysfunctional and when I got to college, I realize I hadn't done half as many things that other people had done as children. What I'm trying to say is...All my life I've pretty much been existing instead of living. I may have had wonderful times and wonderful moments but in terms of life as a whole... I merely existed.
Today I hit a wall that made me realize.. I'm back to existing. Doing what I need to so that I can graduate. Forgetting to breathe.. take deep breaths and admire mini moments. Take a glimpse at the sun or smile at a random stranger. These things aren't being done because I'm on a mission. I gotta go. Gotta go to class, gotta go intern, gotta go eat, gotta go to church, gotta go to the bathroom, gotta go, gotta go. I'm existing again. Lately, I've also been thinking about getting a dog. I've always wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I realize now that the only way that's gonna happen for me is if I can get my own place where dogs are allowed. In realizing this I applied for a job (for the summer anyway). Hopefully this job will allow me to accumulate enough money to pay for a place to live as well as any expenses for the dog. Existing is when you're constantly involved in what is called "means to an end". All the hard work I'm doing in school is my means to graduation which is the end. Me applying for a job to make money is my means to an apartment and dog-the end. And the thing about me is... I can't fully enjoy anything unless these ends of mine are met. I can't laugh without thinking that I still haven't graduated yet. I can't smile without thinking that I still don't have my own place and a dog yet. It's all pretty depressing and I'm way past due that point in the school semester where I just breakdown and cry. That is past due. It's definitely coming soon.
I don't know if any of this is understandable but I thought I'd write some of it out.
A more personal update: I have signed up for counseling and will start seeing a therapist on this upcoming Monday.. Its at school so I'll only have like 3 sessions but it's free and will hopefully do, for now.
May I ask a favor of you? When you go to Our Father in prayer, include me in your love letter to Him. I appreciate it greatly.
May the peace of Christ rest upon you.....and me.
I can honestly say that I never really enjoyed life until I got to college. Just like 67% (I just made this percentage up)of all high school students, I hated it. I don't remember much of my childhood but I know I didn't "enjoy" life. I was merely existing. Doing what I guess I was supposed to be doing. There were a few bumps here and there but life was just life and I was just existing. Nothing super exciting happened. My immediate family was sorta dysfunctional and when I got to college, I realize I hadn't done half as many things that other people had done as children. What I'm trying to say is...All my life I've pretty much been existing instead of living. I may have had wonderful times and wonderful moments but in terms of life as a whole... I merely existed.
Today I hit a wall that made me realize.. I'm back to existing. Doing what I need to so that I can graduate. Forgetting to breathe.. take deep breaths and admire mini moments. Take a glimpse at the sun or smile at a random stranger. These things aren't being done because I'm on a mission. I gotta go. Gotta go to class, gotta go intern, gotta go eat, gotta go to church, gotta go to the bathroom, gotta go, gotta go. I'm existing again. Lately, I've also been thinking about getting a dog. I've always wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. I realize now that the only way that's gonna happen for me is if I can get my own place where dogs are allowed. In realizing this I applied for a job (for the summer anyway). Hopefully this job will allow me to accumulate enough money to pay for a place to live as well as any expenses for the dog. Existing is when you're constantly involved in what is called "means to an end". All the hard work I'm doing in school is my means to graduation which is the end. Me applying for a job to make money is my means to an apartment and dog-the end. And the thing about me is... I can't fully enjoy anything unless these ends of mine are met. I can't laugh without thinking that I still haven't graduated yet. I can't smile without thinking that I still don't have my own place and a dog yet. It's all pretty depressing and I'm way past due that point in the school semester where I just breakdown and cry. That is past due. It's definitely coming soon.
I don't know if any of this is understandable but I thought I'd write some of it out.
A more personal update: I have signed up for counseling and will start seeing a therapist on this upcoming Monday.. Its at school so I'll only have like 3 sessions but it's free and will hopefully do, for now.
May I ask a favor of you? When you go to Our Father in prayer, include me in your love letter to Him. I appreciate it greatly.
May the peace of Christ rest upon you.....and me.